My Letters to God

Sometime in 2003 I started a series of letters to GOD. I would sit at my computer and write whatever was on my mind from time to time. Just as a release for the most part. GOD is my friend. The only friend that I can truly say knows all of my secrets, because Ive asked for forgiveness alot in these letters. Don't judge me:)

Furthermore, I haven't written one in a few years, especially after my computer was stolen. Now that I feel I need to get back to releasing things directly to the source, Im going to do it this way. Here we go:

February 26, 2012

As the days pass, I realize that my life is really starting to blossom. For the most part , I can honestly say that Im happy but there are still some areas that I can’t help but get emotional about. A lot of things have been revealed to me, some for the good and some bad. I feel that now is the time to continue to release. Release thoughts, feelings and more importantly people. Everyone is not your cheerleader. Most of the people that I thought would be rooting for me, I can’t even hear on the sidelines period.

“The silent messages that I receive are the ones that mean the most to me.” Sometimes I find it strange how I can walk into a room and feel the thoughts. I mean I can honestly feel how people feel about me as if they are speaking directly to me. This is weird I know but I’m glad for the gift.

One of things that was hardest to let go of finally hurt me enough to let go. The memories are still there which get me through most of my days but its hard as well.

My life at this point is good. I’m moving forward. DJ’s moving forward. We’re moving forward and Im praying that this cycle of my life continues.

The sun shines brightly everyday.

Sometimes it’s so bright I can’t see.These are the days I find myself thinking a lot.Thinking a lot about my life and what will become of me. One morning as we walked outside at 7:15 a.m. the moon was still out,

D.J. screamed “Hey, it’s morningtime! You’re not supposed to be there.”

I looked up at the full moon and said,” What?”

He said “Mommy, it’s morningtime. The moon is not supposed to be there.”

I laughed and said you’re right. That day as I shared my story with everyone that I encountered, most of the replies were”Wow. He’s smart.” I smiled and said “yeah, thats my DJ.”

That’s kind of how I feel about my life. “Wow. How did I get here?” I guess my hard work and dedication has finally paid off.

The month of January was so pleasant yet stressful. I was moving so much that I stopped paying attention to the days. A lady at my office said that’s what happens when you’re “famous” you don’t stop moving. I still laugh at the comment because, I’m not famous but its always nice when people see star quality in you.

I’m rambling on I know. But I’m happy.Happy with the moments. Happy that my life has started with GOD as the center and coach of my days.

Its funny how life happens, who would have thought that Erica the girl that loved “music” so much wouldn’t know the words to any of the popular songs. Instead my head is now filled with songs of praise and worship throughout the day. I now reference bible verses when I need guidance. It was only less than a year ago that I prayed to allow my mind to be receptive to the word and teachings of the bible.

Thank God I’m healed and delivered. Things that once meant so much have little to no more meaning. I’m still praying though. Praying daily for my life.

Tonight when DJ called me to say his prayers with him, he said mommy don’t say it, I can say them by myself. And he did. I love my son with all my heart. That’s something that I will continue to be proud of everyday. I made the right choice. Praise God.

Grateful to be enabled. Erica Coleman © 2012

I'm Back

Hey Everyone,

I know it's been a while. But I've been working. Working on the new ME :) Well not quite, I still look, act and dress the same. The only thing Ive added to my swag is the new title of Author! It's official. I did IT. I am now a published Author. And guess what? People are actually reading my stuff. "Dying to Be Loved" By Erica Coleman is here.

WHY? The question everyone wants to know the answer to.....

“God you said you’d always be here for me. I’ve been spending all my time praying and asking you guidance and this is how you repay me. How dare you make a believer out of me! How dare you allow me to praise you daily when I could have been leading myself. I can’t believe you allowed me to do this.
I can’t believe you. How can I ever trust in you again. From now on when I am in need it will not be your name that I will call. I promise you that I will seek guidance from within and since you are no longer a part of me. I’ll lead me. I’ll trust me. I’ll do me regardless. We are no longer one. I don’t know you and you never knew me. I..I…I hate you!” –passage from “How dare you make a believer out of me?” by Erica Coleman ©2010

Everyday we are faced with different challenges in which we look to others for help, advice and sometimes compassion. Have you ever thought about how life would be without people? Without a higher power in which you put all your trust and beliefs in?

Today I asked my family and friends to assist me with coming up with a new blog idea. I asked them to send me 3 words or topics that I would be able to write about. In doing so my mom sent me these 3 words : betrayal, loyalty, power.

Have you ever thought about the decisions that you make affecting those around you? Well if you are a member of a family that loves you, respects you and believes in you as a person you would think that one would always keep their families best interest at heart. You would think that if not but to uphold your families name you would do GREAT things to keep your foundation solid.

However, we were all created as individuals in which the decisions we make are usually very selfish. We tend to think more about the “me” factor versus we. In doing so, others get hurt both knowingly and unknowingly.

The character from the passage above was faced with a decision in which she chose to use her power as a women to seduce a man that she was very attracted to. This man never acknowledged her presence. Never pursued her in any kind of way. But she decided that she wanted him and would use everything in her power to get him. She spent months lusting after him until one day he decided to give in to her pursuit and go out to dinner with her. After dinner she wanted him in her bed so bad that she was willing to do whatever it took to get him there. Needless to say he agreed.

Six months later at her annual checkup she found out that she had AIDS. Filled with shock and disbelief she left the doctor’s office and never uttered another word about the information that she had been given.

After several months of being in denial she decided that she wanted to do something about it. She was going to strike hard and fast. She no longer had a good reason to live. She felt that everything that she had earned at this point in her life meant nothing. She didn’t care about her family or friends. What would they think if they knew the truth?

With nothing to lose, she set out to destroy other families, hopes, dreams and lives. Blaming all of her problems on people and GOD.

Why are we as human beings so quick to blame everyone but ourselves?
Why is that when we are faced with challenges and the outcome isn’t favorable we choose to duck and run?
Why is it so hard to live a good life in today’s society without being victimized?
Why do people question God whenever something in life doesn’t work in their favor?

If you know Why please share your answers with me?

Today has been a very frustrating day filled with lots of Why’s for me. But I wanted to write something real and true. Sorry if this offends you.

Toodles,
Alex not Plastic ©2011

Learning to Kiss isn't always blissful...Kissing ain't for everybody

Learning how to kiss is not always blissful
It’s all in the kiss... What does this really mean?
I can remember my first real tongue kiss being the grossest, nastiest thing ever. I was in the 8th grade and his name was Lester. Lester was really cute and had several girls interested in him at the time but for some reason he chose me. I was a little shy back then but hey he was my boyfriend. I had a few boyfriends before him that I would peck on the lips and cheek, but nothing close to what I felt after kissing him.
Lester was a little more advanced than me. He told me that he had kissed a girl before so he knew what he was doing. The night before the “big kiss” we made plans to meet right before sixth hour by the front hall lockers. I was so scared. But at the same time I was so ready to experience what my sister and friends were all talking about.
Right after the 5th period bell rang I slowly walked towards the lockers and I didn’t see him anywhere. I waited for two minutes and then decided to head to class. Right as I was about to turn down the 8th grade hallway, he grabbed me and turned me towards him. I smiled and then out of nowhere he opened his mouth and proceeded to slob all over my mouth. I was totally shocked at how he didn’t notice my mouth was not open. He walked away smiling. I stood in the middle of the hall shocked and trying to wipe all the slobber from my mouth just as the bell for 6th period rang.
When I told my friend that we kissed, she immediately asked me if it was good. I just shrugged my shoulders because I didn’t want to tell her my first kiss was terrible. She proceeded to ask me if I had closed my eyes. I told her no. She laughed and told me that I was supposed to close my eyes and it would feel good.
Eyes open or closed I knew that there was no way that that kiss was going to feel good to me.
Nevertheless, I never kissed Lester again and continued to peck on the lips and cheek where I felt safe.
That kiss ruined my connection with other “boyfriends” well into my late teen years. I would periodically close my eyes and open my mouth. But I couldn’t help but think that my partners would slob on me. I also feared sticking my tongue in their mouth because I didn’t know what to do with it.
Don’t get me wrong I had a couple of ok kissers in between but I never felt a connection when kissing anyone and it may be because I didn’t have my eyes closed or the real spark was never there.
It wasn’t until I was 24 that someone told me that I was not a good kisser. He even tried to teach me. I can remember standing in the hallway and him telling me to keep my mouth open and just go with the flow. He teased me from time to time and told me that I was giving grandma kisses before.
Now for a girl that thought she was hot stuff I knew I would have to conquer this one day.
Unfortunately, the next guy I ran into thought that just sticking his tongue in my mouth was enough! OMG. What a mistake? I realized that this not going to help me conquer my kissing expertise. However, I didn’t shy away I decided that we both needed help so we could practice together.
Eventually, I was the only one practicing, he went back to sticking his tongue pointlessly in mouth and I began to shy away from kissing him altogether.
Now here I am going close to 30 and still hadn’t learned to kiss. UNTIL……..
I met him, first date, first kiss nothing but sparks. I absolutely love kissing him. He was surprised when I told him I was not a kisser. He said that I was a great kisser. The first date we just couldn’t stop kissing. I enjoyed him with my eyes closed, open and even looking into his eyes with no fear.
Now I know many of you would say first date, that’s nasty as I have said it many times before. But if the spark is there it’s there. And I’d been waiting almost 15 years to get it right!
One day while visiting my hairstylist, she noticed that I had a “new bounce”. She asked me if I had something new in my life and I said “Girrlll yes!” She proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions about him and I replied saying nice things of course. Then she asked me about the kiss. At first I raised my eyebrows thinking , “Why is she asking me about this? Has she kissed my boo?” Just kdding.
She asked me if it made me feel tingly inside and below. I immediately said yes, while having flashbacks.
She said that if you kiss a man and he makes you “tingle” then he’s the one for you. I took this tidbit of advice and decided to use it later on that day.
When I did, I got the “tingly” feeling all over again. And my god it is so addictive.
So today after reading an article about kissing and the different meanings and signals it has in a relationship. I decided to write this blog to ask you a few questions and to also be a little noisy and ask about your kissing experiences.
1. Do you believe that kissing has any barrier in a relationship?
2. What does kissing mean to you?
3. Do you believe a relationship can survive without kissing?
4. Share your first/worst or crazy kissing experiences.
Toodles,
Alex not Plastic E.C. ©2011

For Every Girl- Inspired by For Colored Girls movie

Hey Ladies,



I hope all is well. As you can see Im back. Last month I was one of many that watched Tyler Perry's rendition of "For Colored Girls." After reading many reviews, I didn't know what to expect. However, I don't know if I would call this movie GREAT but it was very ENLIGHTNING. There were moments were I found myself laughing, crying, cringing and even covering my eyes. Unfortunately, I felt that I knew each of these characters personally because the effect that the movie had on me did not go away after the movie ended.



While watching the movie I was inspired to write 2 verses in which I would like to share with you today: Enjoy

Victim

Victim

Why?

Is it because of what lies between my thighs

But you cant see the pain that hides behind my smiling eyes.

Victim

I was never my mothers pearl

Just some little girl

With meaningless dreams

Even though it may have seemed that I had everything.

I was just A

Victim

Not by choice

Because I did have a voice

I could have said stop

I know I said stop!

But as I lay in that spot

I lost my voice.

Not by choice.

Victim

Can you see me?

Im beautiful

Or better yet easy on the eyes

Ive been the prize

But the surprise,

Was behind my eyes.

Victim

At times I find myself thinking

So Many

Yet gained so little .

Look at me now people!

Im just A

VICTIM.

Victim of Circumstance

Victim of Chance

Victim of Choice

Victim with a Voice

Victim

Victim

Victim

If you can hear me, will you listen

I dont want to be a victim no more!

I dont want to be a victim no more.

Release me now Please.

Please just release me!

Erica Coleman (c)2010

I Loved you on Purpose

Love the word said most

But Meant the least

I loved you on purpose boy

Not for Things

Not for dreams

Not even for the ring

But I loved you

For just THAT- You!

People used to tell me that love felt like so many things

But I have yet to experience an explainable love,

A love that is so concrete that I can give it meaning.

A love where Im so happy, Im knocked off my feet

Literally.

Thats what made my love for you so unique,

I didnt feel any of these things.

But I loved you on purpose

I said,

"Lord please let me love again."

And he replied,

"Have you ever loved wholeheartedly with no expectations."

Obviously, I didnt know what that means,

I've given the men I loved plenty of things.

My Body

My smile

That gift between my thighs.

and sometimes even my pride.

Cause I wouldnt let no real man See me cry.

No,no, no

I'd even given my joy

To one lucky boy

So yes I've loved

But never with a purpose.

He responded, "well your time is now"

Well I've been waiting and then came you

Not wearing any of the faces that Im used to

Instead you earned my love by just being you

And for that boy

I can honestly say

I love you on purpose

Yes, I wholeheartedly

Love You.

Erica Coleman (c)2010

Ex-Factors:Life situations (1)

"It could all be so simple" "But you'd rather make it hard" -Lauryn Hill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE-bnWqLqxE&ob=av2n
"Michael I have something to tell you," Angie said happily.
"Yes baby, what is it?" he replied.
"We're PREGNANT!"
Silence....
"Pregnant?" he asked looking away.
"Yes pregnant," she paused to look at him before saying another word. "Michael, I took a test..."
"So what are you going to do?" he shouted.
"What do you mean what am I going to do?" she yelled back. "What are we going to do do? Better yet, there's only one thing for me to do Michael!"
"Oh yeah, what is that?" he asked.
"I'm going to have this baby Michael, with or without you!"
"But you cant do that..."
"Oh yes I can, watch me," she replied leaving the room.

Michael ran after her grabbing her arm forcefully he turned her around. "Oh no you can't" "And you won't."
"Michael you're hurting me" Angie yelled while trying to get away. "I can't believe you. I cant believe you're putting you hands on me."
Michael looked at himself and Angie in the bedroom mirror. He let her go and turned to leave the room.
"What am I gonna do with a baby now? I'm barely taking care of myself?" he mumbled before punching a hole in the wall.
Angie sat in the corner of the bedroom staring at him and crying quietly.
Michael returned to the room to help her up. "Angie, I'm really sorry for grabbing you. I'm just shocked and scared."
"I understand Michael but you scared me because Ive never seen you act this way."
"Baby i just cant have this baby with you right now? "
"What do you mean with me Michael?"
"I didn't mean it that way baby. I mean I just cant have a baby right now"
"Well Michael, it's not like I picked you to father my child. You're no ball player or rich man or anything that I wanted the father of my child to be?"

"Angie you couldve kept that last comment. Its not about you. I just cant having a fucking kid right now and neither can you."

"Well Michael, actually we can and we will because this baby is inside of me and I'm not having an abortion so we're just going to have to deal with it. Better yet, I'll deal with it on my own. You don't have to be apart of my child's life. We're going do fine without you." said Angie as she ran out the front door to her car.
Michael watched her as she sat in the front seat of her crying before pulling off.
Michael returned to his room and punched the door again this time bruising his hand. "Aww shit. I knew I shouldn't have been fucking her without a condom. She was trying to trap me all this time. Damn what am I suppose to tell my family. My father told me not have any kids before marriage. Damn, how could she do this to me. Fuck her. Fuck Her!" he yelled.
"Ma I'm pregnant and I just told Michael and he blew up on me. He said he didn't want to have a baby with me.Can you believe that ? With me? I don't want to have a baby either but I just can't have another abortion."
"Angie, stop crying please," her mom replied. "You'll be okay. He's just scared right now but you two will work it out. "
"Ma I don't believe I want to work it out," she replied. "Me and my baby are going to be just fine." she said before disconnecting the call.
"Yeah we'll be just fine," she said rubbing her belly. "God got us"

And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will -L Hill

This scene is one that is all too familiar amongst young women who become pregnant unexpectedly. As some of you may know I was one of them. Its a very hard and scary situtation and in most cases you can become an Ex-factor. One that is being looked down upon for doing something out of the norm.


So this week I will be creating a few short dialogues, utilizing Lauryn hills Ex-factor lyrics. I chose this song because it has so many interpretations, in which I can create different dialogues using life situations. I need to get back to my craft so please feel free to follow me, comment and advise me along the way.

Toodles
Alex not Plastic
Erica Coleman (c) 2010

Relationship Business: Gotta Main Bish, Gotta Mistress

Take 1

"Excuse Me, Excuse Me"….My name is Treasure. Yes, treasure like the box of hidden jewels that everyone’s searching to find but I’m always hidden in a box somewhere. I’m what many consider the wifey type. I’m educated, financially stable, beautiful and professional. I’m what many call a REAL lady. I cook, clean, work, takes care of the kids and home. I make the big money in my household. I’m the one responsible being the educator, driver and cheerleader for the kids and the sex slave for my man. All of my friends marvel at the fact that I have a man but what they don’t understand is all the hard work it takes to keep this “family” together. It’s my responsibility to love, honor, support and obey. Yes obey, because whatever they need they look to me to provide. I don’t really hang out with my friends anymore because I’m just too tired. I don’t really have a life outside of my “family”. Oh and did I mention that his kids are not mine. But I guess that’s enough of my venting, I have to get back to my full time job until one of them calls for my help…Don’t forget me my name is Treasure but I’m feeling less like my name as the days go by. Is this what the “good life” as a wife is like?

Take 2

“Hello!” My name is Precious. Oh but you knew that anyway didn’t you. I saw you looking at me when I entered the room. I’m used the heads turning, necks popping and mouths dropping. My mother named me Precious because that’s exactly what I am, a mans most prized possession. My men like to treat me to the finer things in life. You know the best of everything. Cars, clothes, shoes, and trips around the world girl. All because I’m beautiful. I love being beautiful because that’s all I have to do. I don’t have any close friends because they just don’t understand my lifestyle. Well my mom doesn’t approve either but hey, I like dating men with wives and girlfriends. Don’t shake your head at me cause there ain’t nothing wrong with slipping in when she’s slipping up. I tend to my men. I laugh at all their stale jokes, listen to their complaints about what’s going on at home and I can’t forget the most important thing I do for them, I’m their personal porn star. My tricks will make any man come back for more treats. As a matter of fact here comes one now so I gotta go. I know you won’t forget about me, I’m precious in every way you can imagine.
My Take on my friends business

Ladies, ladies, ladies, I’ve been told that these are the only two types of women that exist. You can only be the “Main bish or the mistress” because these are the only two components of the relationship business.
One might be thinking relationship business, what is that? Well it’s something that I made up after talking to a friend today. This friend has played both of these roles however, she’s not really happy in her current role as Treasure because she said it requires too much work. I know a lot of women may feel just as she does but relationships are never easy. They kind of remind me of a business transaction, for example:
Upon meeting you get to “Preview” your partner, you like so you make an “offer” if the offer is accepted you celebrate until you get your results from your “Private inspection”. Now this inspection can make or break the relationship in the early stages because this where all the hidden dirt, drama and future problems are revealed. As a buyer you can choose to walk away and lose your deposit or “Continue” with the transaction including all the baggage.

My friend decided to continue on with the transaction as many women do.

Now many may say they don’t like Precious but to be honest you can’t be mad at her. She only goes through the "Preview" and "Celebrate" stage. No contracts or inspections needed because when the dirt and drama are displayed she is free to walk away. Even though it may appear that she’s living the good life, she isn’t. She's lonely surrounded by beautiful things with no one to share her mornings or weekends with. Precious really wants a family. She envisions her life with her beautiful kids and the perfect husband in her downtime. "I really want to be a wife, but for right now I'm living the good life!"

After listening to my friend complain about all the things she has to do for her man and his kids, she admitted that he was sleeping with other women. She continued to complain and then out of nowhere she said, " why don't he ask those bishes, to drop him off, pick up the kids, and do all this other stuff he wants me to do?" "Why do they have it so F'ing easy?"

Wow! Now at first I was LMAO! because this was two shockers in one for me which lead me to write this blog.

So these 2 questions are for you:
(1) Why do mistresses have it so easy?
(2) Which one are you? lol. I dont expect many to answer but......

I don't believe in being a mistress but being the main bish can be overwhelming sometimes :)

Toodles
Alex not Plastic
Erica Coleman (c) 2010